TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely out of location. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But Of course, sure, let us have A different place in which American Adult men can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: supply Every person a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to files Trump Tower Damascus printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly gentle power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It's that he must end working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Good tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from Place, a aspect getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits just after acquiring the making's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It's not only unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest factor in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where by company could contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "exactly where's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is currently attracting notice from Global investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll get a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree will likely contain:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to view a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort where by my PTSD can have flip-down assistance."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies advise:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It necessary gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave all of it three. You happen to be welcome."

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